Support for a grieving friend

Showing up and giving support to someone who is grieving is really precious. To be able to actually show up and be there for a friend who is currently grieving is a real gift, almost the best gift you can offer. To be there for a friend through the hard times shows real friendship. I have never forgotten those friends of mine who showed up when my mother died, it has created a stronger bond between us.

Having lost my mother a year ago, I went through an intense period of grieving. So my experience of being on the other side is to just show up. Be there for your friend. Bring food, easy food that does not require preparation. Help do household stuff, errands, help them to organize normal everyday jobs, as it’s a little hard in the first few weeks to think of being and doing normal things. Things that one takes for granted, becomes hard work. The first few weeks are the hardest, so organize a schedule with other close friends. Have someone show up everyday with food and supplies. When I came back from England, I had enough food to last me two weeks, it was great, as I did not have to think about it. I did not have the energy to go shopping, and if I did, I probably would not have brought anything much at the stores, as I had very little appetite, so this was a huge help.

There is nothing that you can say or do to take away the pain of grief, but just your presence, your love and friendship is enough to bring simple comfort to this challenging time.

People naturally think that it’s better to leave people alone to grief, but in my experience I disagree, it may be fine for other people and we are all different, but I preferred to have a phone call from a friend to check in with me from time to time and not be alone. I also found it hard when certain friends of mine did not call me, and found out later that they were being polite, did not want to interfere or did not know how to deal with death. Death is not taught in the classrooms, we are immune to death, even seeing dead people, unless you’re in the medical, law-enforcement or funeral professions.

So after the initial shock of the loss, grief continues, the time in between the grieving gets longer, but there is still grieving to some degree. Lots of past memories arise and things that you had forgotten come up at the strangest times. So it is still important to support and let your friend naturally talk about their loss and what it has brought up inside them. Death really challenges a lot of concepts we have about ourselves and in the world at large, so this is a valuable opportunity to gain insights about our place in the world. Wisdom can come out of grief.